MEMORY SHARE: 12 OF BEETROOT EVENT (May)

[voidmissions]

JEMA'GRETHY MEMORY SHARE

The caves of Jema'grethy will allow for a few different ways for memories to be interacted with. But for most, such as those entering in bonds, it will be seen like a vision in their head, putting them in the position and perspective of whose memory it is.

For people sharing bond memories, and also memories being shared while moving through the Memory Cave, this is the spot to place said memories! It's not necessary if you'd like to write it during the thread, but hopefully convenient for others. Just make a toplevel with your character's name in the header, and remember to include any content warnings thereafter for each memory, as applicable!

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Third Memory: Negative - Life's Worth

[redprayer]

[[ooc: cw for child death, illness, ableism, internalized ableism, suicidal ideation.]]

You’ve finally stopped coughing but your entire body aches from how long you were at it. Every breath scrapes through your throat and ribs so you try not to breathe too deeply or too fast because it hurts less that way.

It’s so hot. One of the sisters must have pulled the blanket over you again. You’d kick it off again but you’re too tired to move.

You lie like that for a while, breathing as carefully as you can manage, unable to sleep through the fever and the hurting. Eventually you hear footsteps, and the scrape of a chair against the floor.

“Rezo?” It’s one of the sisters. You don’t answer. You don’t feel up to talking right now.

The sister touches your forehead. It feels nice, even though her fingers are warm. When she removes it you almost complain but your throat still hurts too much for talking.

Things are quiet for a bit.

“He’s going to die, isn’t he,” she says. Her voice sounds so tired, you almost don’t realize what she’s saying. Even when you do, you don’t feel like you understand her properly. You can’t picture yourself dead, although her words tie a knot in your stomach that tightens the longer it’s there.

“Ollia…” It’s a different sister who speaks. You wonder when she came in.

“Aren and Silas are already gone, Ingrid. And they were older boys. Healthy. What chance does he have?”

You hear some light movement.

“...I’m sorry, Ollia. Maybe… Maybe it’s for the better.”

...

…What does that mean?

Why is it better if… Why is it better if you have no chance?

“You know, with his eyes… He’ll never be able to read or write. He still can’t do anything on his own.”

The knot tightens harder, a sharp weight in your stomach. It’s true, you don’t take lessons with the other kids. And it’s true that you’re worse at tying your shoes and cleaning up than everyone else and one of the sisters or other kids has to hold your hand whenever you go out. But…

“As sad as it is to think about, I don’t think he could ever find work, and he’d never be able to get married. What kind of life could he possibly have if he grew up? And we wouldn’t be able to look after him for the rest of his life.”

They can’t?

Well of course they can’t. Stupid. Just because you can’t picture yourself as a grownup doesn’t mean it won’t happen someday. And you’re not supposed to look after grownups the way you look after kids.

And you’re already much more work than the other kids are. You can’t see things, so you have to do everything differently, and it makes you so much slower than everyone else. The other kids are always fed up with you and even if they don’t normally say so, you can tell the sisters get tired of dealing with you too.

This is the first time any of the adults have gone out and said it’d be better if you weren’t around, though.

It’s not a surprise, really, but thoughts about it sink into you, rattling around and catching painfully, like the breaths that scratch your throat and the muscles that ache with each movement and the heat that burns you up from the inside out.

You hear the sisters muttering assurances to each other, but you don’t listen to what they say. You don’t want to hear anymore.

You don’t think you want to feel anything anymore, not if you’re always going to feel like this.